Monday, January 3, 2011

Mixed emotions

This week I started my period. I know, big deal. The thing was, I had in the back of my head the possibility, slim as it was, that I could be pregnant. I started experiencing some of the symptoms that only occur when I am pregnant. Then, I realized it had been 2-3 months since my last cycle. I knew that this was unlikely though. First, I am still nursing a 13 month old child. So irregularity is very common. Second, after 5 c-sections for various reasons (while desperately desiring vaginal birth at home), my husband and I prayerfully made the decision to have a tubal ligation with my last c-section. So, I should never be pregnant again, although I am aware that it sometimes happens. This is okay. We knew that we had made the right decision for my health and have peace. I want to be around to mother my five children! We have always been open to adoption and may someday grow our family in that way. This doesn't take away the grieving process that must be allowed to happen, though. I am so, sad! It definitely comes and goes, but I am sad. Ever since I was about 2, all I have ever wanted to be was a mommy. I realize that I am a mommy of five beautiful, healthy, wonderful children. I just never saw my body not being able to conceive until menopause. I never saw this as part of my story. I never saw c-sections or failed VBAC as part of my story. I trust God with my story, though, knowing that He is sovereign. I will continue to put my trust in Him every day. I am thankful that He holds me and loves on me in these moments when my heart hurts for the parts of the story I have to give to Him, the parts that might not have gone my way, but that make me who I am.


Lil' Momma @ Five in Training for HIM said...

Oh wow! You just explained my world. (3 kids not 5) I had the same thing, 3 c-sections, tubal after the last one due to health reasons. But I had major PPD after the tubal. Cried for weeks over the fact that I did not have the ability to give my husband any more children. And the whole reason for the tubal was my health not anything he did. I am still nursing my 24month old and have only had 2 cycles 4 months apart. We thought maybe the tubal did not work. I totally understand your feelings. You are not alone!

Mama Jenn said...

Amy, I also had a tubal after having to have ONE of my twins via c-section (yes with my last set of twins, I had to recover from BOTH an unmedicated, vaginal delivery AND a c-section...not fun!). Anyhow, while the tubal was our choice, I was strongly advised that I should not have more children due to health issues...because of my heart complications, I was in fact told that I am at risk for "sudden death." Anyhow, my point is that whenever my period is late I still get that little glimmer of excitement about the fact that maybe...just maybe I am pregnant! So, I can kinda empathize with you!!!