Monday, January 3, 2011
This week I started my period. I know, big deal. The thing was, I had in the back of my head the possibility, slim as it was, that I could be pregnant. I started experiencing some of the symptoms that only occur when I am pregnant. Then, I realized it had been 2-3 months since my last cycle. I knew that this was unlikely though. First, I am still nursing a 13 month old child. So irregularity is very common. Second, after 5 c-sections for various reasons (while desperately desiring vaginal birth at home), my husband and I prayerfully made the decision to have a tubal ligation with my last c-section. So, I should never be pregnant again, although I am aware that it sometimes happens. This is okay. We knew that we had made the right decision for my health and have peace. I want to be around to mother my five children! We have always been open to adoption and may someday grow our family in that way. This doesn't take away the grieving process that must be allowed to happen, though. I am so, sad! It definitely comes and goes, but I am sad. Ever since I was about 2, all I have ever wanted to be was a mommy. I realize that I am a mommy of five beautiful, healthy, wonderful children. I just never saw my body not being able to conceive until menopause. I never saw this as part of my story. I never saw c-sections or failed VBAC as part of my story. I trust God with my story, though, knowing that He is sovereign. I will continue to put my trust in Him every day. I am thankful that He holds me and loves on me in these moments when my heart hurts for the parts of the story I have to give to Him, the parts that might not have gone my way, but that make me who I am.