Those of you who have known me for many years, know that I love birth. I was beginning a loose apprenticeship with a dear friend in Katy to become a doula. I have considered going to nursing school and then apprentice to become a midwife. If you have been there, you have traveled with me through 4 cesareans and a miscarriage. My personal birth journey has had much disappointment and sadness associated with it. Believe me, it breaks your heart to have another cesarean when you have this doula/midwife/homebirth mindset. I have tried to council people against them. Saying that they are wonderful when really needed to save lives, but so overused. I have advocated for VBAC and homebirth.
Well, my baby is two and a half now and I am not pregnant. Nor is the plan for me to be. This is where my deep struggle and grief begins. With my beliefs and love of birth and children, I would want to just have babies as God gave them to us. We would also have more freedom in our marriage relationship, no worries because more babies are more blessings. With four c-sections, we are struggling with the safety issue. I am struggling with how big do I think my God is? Am I demonstrating a lack of faith by even having this struggle? OR, has God called me to take care of myself and having more pregnancies would not be doing that? Right now, I do not know. I have not heard from God clearly on this.
Just in case you have read other postings, this is completely separate from our adoption journey. I still feel that whether God blesses us with more biological children or not, we have been called to be open to other children as well. I know there are some out there who are gasping, saying how on earth would you provide for all of those kids? How could you afford them and where would you get the strength? Well, that is where I do not struggle. I KNOW my God is big enough for that task. He will provide all that is needed. The energy, strength, organization, space, and money would come from somewhere if it is needed. God promises His provision. I trust that those that have a quiver full are truly blessed!
I was just talking with a friend the other night and we were discussing how times were changing. God was changing generations. Most families are still having one or two children. There is a population of God following, mostly homeschooling, believer families who are having more. This will eventually produce a growth in the Christian population. I totally agree with taking care of our earth. We are to be good stewards of all that God has given us. I do not, however, fear resources running out or overpopulation. God has promised His provision. God has promised His return. This earth is not meant to house us forever. I believe God is blessed by many children being raised and trained to love and follow Him.
So, somewhere in my ramblings, you probably picked up that I would love to be having another baby. I am coveting the freedom to just have another without worries. I realize I should not covet, nor worry. So, there I am. Realizing my need to grow in my faith right now. I am trying to learn to fear God. I don't know if I truly appreciate that His plans are not my plans always and that His ways are not my ways. I don't fully accept that His will may not make sense to me in any way and that its okay, even better! I realize my need to develop a discipline of truly sitting at His feet. I need to learn to hear His voice more. I can't seem to hear him regarding these issues. Maybe He is just being silent now. Maybe I just need to wait on Him.