Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Birth

Those of you who have known me for many years, know that I love birth. I was beginning a loose apprenticeship with a dear friend in Katy to become a doula. I have considered going to nursing school and then apprentice to become a midwife. If you have been there, you have traveled with me through 4 cesareans and a miscarriage. My personal birth journey has had much disappointment and sadness associated with it. Believe me, it breaks your heart to have another cesarean when you have this doula/midwife/homebirth mindset. I have tried to council people against them. Saying that they are wonderful when really needed to save lives, but so overused. I have advocated for VBAC and homebirth.

Well, my baby is two and a half now and I am not pregnant. Nor is the plan for me to be. This is where my deep struggle and grief begins. With my beliefs and love of birth and children, I would want to just have babies as God gave them to us. We would also have more freedom in our marriage relationship, no worries because more babies are more blessings. With four c-sections, we are struggling with the safety issue. I am struggling with how big do I think my God is? Am I demonstrating a lack of faith by even having this struggle? OR, has God called me to take care of myself and having more pregnancies would not be doing that? Right now, I do not know. I have not heard from God clearly on this.

Just in case you have read other postings, this is completely separate from our adoption journey. I still feel that whether God blesses us with more biological children or not, we have been called to be open to other children as well. I know there are some out there who are gasping, saying how on earth would you provide for all of those kids? How could you afford them and where would you get the strength? Well, that is where I do not struggle. I KNOW my God is big enough for that task. He will provide all that is needed. The energy, strength, organization, space, and money would come from somewhere if it is needed. God promises His provision. I trust that those that have a quiver full are truly blessed!

I was just talking with a friend the other night and we were discussing how times were changing. God was changing generations. Most families are still having one or two children. There is a population of God following, mostly homeschooling, believer families who are having more. This will eventually produce a growth in the Christian population. I totally agree with taking care of our earth. We are to be good stewards of all that God has given us. I do not, however, fear resources running out or overpopulation. God has promised His provision. God has promised His return. This earth is not meant to house us forever. I believe God is blessed by many children being raised and trained to love and follow Him.

So, somewhere in my ramblings, you probably picked up that I would love to be having another baby. I am coveting the freedom to just have another without worries. I realize I should not covet, nor worry. So, there I am. Realizing my need to grow in my faith right now. I am trying to learn to fear God. I don't know if I truly appreciate that His plans are not my plans always and that His ways are not my ways. I don't fully accept that His will may not make sense to me in any way and that its okay, even better! I realize my need to develop a discipline of truly sitting at His feet. I need to learn to hear His voice more. I can't seem to hear him regarding these issues. Maybe He is just being silent now. Maybe I just need to wait on Him.

7 comments:

Tiffany said...

Amy, have you and your husband ever sat down with a doctor or midwife whom you trust and discussed your hearts desire for more biological children and the risks involved? I don't think it's a lack of faith that causes you to be careful about this. You are obviously trying to honor God with your motives and actions. I love your heart for adoption. Honoring God with our fertility should involve a willingness to love and accept blessings from the womb and limitations thereof as well. I would seriously schedule an appointment with a trusted caregiver, and take hubby with you.

Granny said...

You said,

I am coveting the freedom to just have another without worries. I realize I should not covet, nor worry.

Amy, I think you've mistaken coveting for yearning. That yearning is something God put within a woman's heart and there's not a reason on earth that you should feel bad about that. What you and Chris DO with that feeling is something else, but please don't mix it up with the sin of coveting. Your heart is right where it should be!

Candace said...

I second what Granny said!

stacey said...

I have struggled with this also, but for different reasons. We give God control and then we seem to take it back. I admire the faith and conviction that I see in so many friends who are sure of God's will for their lives in this area. I am not always so sure. I have fears as well, but mostly due to my getting older. I pray that God will give you a clear answer that you know is from Him and Him alone!

Candace said...

HI Amy,

Thought I'd post more on this. I agree that the yearning you feel is from God! But being that I have never had a C-section (let alone 4) I don't want to minimize your feelings and concerns for your health. Ultimately, if God places that desire within you, He will see it though to completion.

Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us! You're a precious woman!

Gumby's Gang said...

Amy, I agree with what Cathi said about the "yearning" that God has placed within you to have more children--biological and adopted. The adoption process is such a beautiful picture of God's adoption of the Gentile people--a mini Gospel right in your own home! I'd love to share with you sometime the testimony of a dear friend of mine w/ systemic Lupus. Having biological children was/is seriously dangerous, and yet she and her husband decided to welcome all the Lord would provide for them. In their words "we don't ALLOW God control of anything....He IS in control." They had 2 children, 15 months apart, and then NONE for 10 years. Then they began adopting--2 from Korea, then 1 special needs from China. All the while, she was miscarrying (one year she m/c'd 4 times, sending her into some serious Lupus flares). In the midst of the China adoption, they discovered they were pg yet again. I remember her email too well--"please pray w/ me that I'll accept joyfully that my womb is a doorway straight to heaven." How my heart broke for her! Yet, she passed each week and the pg held strong. At 13 wks, she became a big more optimistic, all the while trusting that God's plan was perfect. That baby boy just turned 1 year old! I'm not in your shoes--I've never had a C-section--but I HAVE been told that to have another pg would permanently disable my SI joint/right hip. Do I ALWAYS trust that God is bigger than my physical limitations? NO, but....I know that He made me and it is HIS plan that is unfolding in my life, as it did in my friend's life. I encourage you to follow Tiffany's advice and to PRAY...not that God would tell you that it is "okay" to have another, but that you would completely trust Him in THIS area of your life as you appear to so completely trust Him for the adoption/provision process.

Hugs and prayers,
Lisa

unfoundsense said...

Focus your love and attention on the children you already have instead of worrying about having more just to please the Lord. I'm sure he would rather you raise the children you can already afford and support them.

Additionally, having had four C-sections another child could pose a possible risk of rupturing your uterus and leaving you infertile.