I am burned out! There I said it. I know, sad. It is only Nov. and I am drowning in all my expectations for myself. What happened to all my motivation??? I am already in the place where we are just getting the basics done. Isn't this supposed to set in about April? Right now, I am supposed to be finding all sorts of fun things for the kids to do dealing with Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am supposed to be reading like crazy to them because there are so many great books on these themes. Am I? No. I am getting math and Eng. done. (Most of the time.) Every once in a while, I will do some preschool activities with Kaiden. Ugh!
I am kind of getting drug down in my normal cyclical wallowing. I know I am prone to some depression. Before children, it could get really bad. I could spend weeks in bed. Since children, there is too much at stake to let myself fall (plus children have a way of not letting you stay in bed). I learned how to push it back and notice the signs of it coming on so I could try and avoid it. I think I am there now.
Do you know the feeling that you aren't doing anything right? Have you felt that there are so many areas to work on that you can't get even see where to begin?
WARNING: Stop reading if wallowing and complaining really bother you. This is my outlet, so I am just going to do my ugly venting here. My house is never completely clean. There are dishes ALWAYS in the sink and laundry ALWAYS piled up somewhere. I have a system in place for our chores, but I have to say "chore time" and stand there making sure the kids are working for them to happen. I have just been forgetting lately. Then, I am upset that we are so behind. I have these new tennis shoes that are supposed to lead me toward a healthier life style and weight. I have been around the block (slowly) once. woohoooo. Then, all this thinking about losing weight just makes me want to eat. There is candy, cookies, soda, ice cream, etc. always available to me. Sometimes I hide it if I don't want anyone to know it is there. I am always staying up way too late and then having a hard time getting out of bed. My kids basically fin for themselves in the morning. I can't tell you the last time I made breakfast. (Thank God for cereal!) My kids are fighting with each other constantly, whining constantly, and soooooo unmotivated. I am unmotivated! I don't have it in me to motivate them too! It is hard enough to just get myself dressed right now. Everything is harder right now because we can't do anything without first having to search for the things we need. Nothing is in its place! Everything is lost! I hate looking for lost items!!! ugh!!! I keep messing up our finances. I hardly give my husband any attention at all. I feel horrible for wanting my husbands team to just lose already so this season can be over. I am a constant nurse to a DOG! Yes, I said dog. My baby is crawling now, so I am very aware of how dirty my floors are and how un-childproof my house is.
Okay, enough. Basically, I feel like I am failing in every area of my life. Yuck, right?
Don't worry. I will probably (hopefully) wake up tomorrow snapped out of this funk. I know in my head that that is all it is. It is just a perspective. It is so annoying that something so abstract could rock my world so badly. Perspective! My circumstances won't have change, but you will see, soon I will just snap out of this and all won't seem so bad. I will catch up in all areas and feel good again.
The part that bugs me, is that this cycle sure doesn't seem very Spirit led. It isn't. It is me led. I am not content in my circumstance. I am not living in the hope I have in Christ. I am living defeated right now. The sad thing is, is that I don't have to. I can have victory because I have Christ. Oops, there I go again finding something else I am not doing right. Aha! There lies the problem, though. My relationship with Jesus has NOTHING to do with me and what I am doing or not doing. It is ALL about what He did for me!! If only I could get my life to live out what my mind knows....
Okay, I am sick of this too. No more random train of thought venting. I think I should head to bed.