So far, this has been my hardest pregnancy yet. I was so excited to be pregnant, and I remember the longing to be. Now, I am totally overwhelmed.
This is the first of my pregnancies to feel so horrible all the time without throwing up. I guess, in that way, it is good. Throwing up on top of this would be MUCH worse. I have hormones problems now though, that I have never had. I don't even get crabby when I am on my period. Now all of a sudden, I feel like all of life sucks!
If I may just rant for a minute, this is my blog after all. You can exit if you like. Right now, I am overwhelmed with the kids I have. I can't seem to parent anymore, so discipline is crazy. I see the time I am wasting and I feel so sad about missing these days of their lives. At the same time, all I want to do is get away. Then, I remember another is on the way and I just cry. How can I handle one more, and what is wrong with me when so many I know have a lot more than this!?
The house is a wreck. No one has clean clothes to wear. We are out of many things, making it very difficult to come up with anything to eat. We are eating horribly. I am not doing basic things like pay our bills. We are behind on EVERYTHING and now I see that there isn't enough money there to cover them. I am supposed to be staying off sugar and trying to lose some of this weight before the baby starts really gaining. Not happening anymore. So, I just feel horrible and fat and lazy. I am too into myself right now, I guess, to even try to connect with Chris. I am so tired and sick and depressed, all I can do is lay in my dark bedroom and yell to the kids. By the time Chris walks in the door, which is really late, forget it. I am done for the day. This adds loneliness to all the feelings.
I know I am supposed to be able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me, but I feel so far from God right now, I have no idea how to draw on that strength.
Wow, I just re-read what I accidentally typed. I probably should delete it all, but I won't. Why. I know this is pathetic and sad. I figure no one really reads this stuff, so I can just journal and get it off my chest.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.