Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My baby journey so far...

So far, this has been my hardest pregnancy yet. I was so excited to be pregnant, and I remember the longing to be. Now, I am totally overwhelmed.

This is the first of my pregnancies to feel so horrible all the time without throwing up. I guess, in that way, it is good. Throwing up on top of this would be MUCH worse. I have hormones problems now though, that I have never had. I don't even get crabby when I am on my period. Now all of a sudden, I feel like all of life sucks!

If I may just rant for a minute, this is my blog after all. You can exit if you like. Right now, I am overwhelmed with the kids I have. I can't seem to parent anymore, so discipline is crazy. I see the time I am wasting and I feel so sad about missing these days of their lives. At the same time, all I want to do is get away. Then, I remember another is on the way and I just cry. How can I handle one more, and what is wrong with me when so many I know have a lot more than this!?

The house is a wreck. No one has clean clothes to wear. We are out of many things, making it very difficult to come up with anything to eat. We are eating horribly. I am not doing basic things like pay our bills. We are behind on EVERYTHING and now I see that there isn't enough money there to cover them. I am supposed to be staying off sugar and trying to lose some of this weight before the baby starts really gaining. Not happening anymore. So, I just feel horrible and fat and lazy. I am too into myself right now, I guess, to even try to connect with Chris. I am so tired and sick and depressed, all I can do is lay in my dark bedroom and yell to the kids. By the time Chris walks in the door, which is really late, forget it. I am done for the day. This adds loneliness to all the feelings.

I know I am supposed to be able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me, but I feel so far from God right now, I have no idea how to draw on that strength.

Wow, I just re-read what I accidentally typed. I probably should delete it all, but I won't. Why. I know this is pathetic and sad. I figure no one really reads this stuff, so I can just journal and get it off my chest.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

9 comments:

Mageetribe said...

Hey Amy-I just happened upon your blog tonight...and now, I'm thinking God led me here. Blake and I just finished praying for you. It sounds like you're having a heck of a time. We prayed that you would just take one day at a time...and not be fixed on, and afraid of the future. We also prayed that you would rest in God's grace, and believe that He is in the middle of all of this. I know you have a lot of support around you, but I hope that you're letting your ladies know that you need help right now. Don't be afraid to ask for help with meals, and help with the kids. It's just for a little while Amy...it's not forever. I could totally set up a care calendar for you, and you could just send me email addresses...I would love to set something up for you, so that you can be loved on and taken care of right now. Wish I was closer. Please know that Blake and I will continue to lift you guys up.

Love,
Mary

Gumby's Gang said...

((Amy))

Take it a day at a time, and don't stress the little stuff. Your kids will be fine, and you will be feeling better soon! Rejoice in the little ones being born around you right now, and look toward the finish line (though it seems so far away). You can do it, with God's help!

If you need help, please let us know! Just cuz there are so many care calendars pinging around in our group right now doesn't mean we can't handle one more :>

Amy Mantooth said...

Thank you friends. No care calendars please. Lets focus on those having their babies right now. Thanks. This will pass.

Stacey said...

So sorry, Amy, that your feeling this way right now! I remember feeling that way when I was pregnant with #3! I went to a counsellor and he was a christian and he was awesome! I remember he told me that even if my kids sat on a stool for 9 months and ate pb&j the whole time, they would be fine!!! :o) Your are giving them another sibling to love the rest of their lives. I don't know about you, but I am burned out with school and we are taking the summer off starting next week! We need the break! Try to take it easy and don't worry about the house so much! I will say a prayer for you!! "This too shall pass"!

Granny said...

I'm glad you didn't delete this. You need to let us help bear your burdens...we're here to listen and pray and do whatever else would help you. Please, tell us what you need.

Kobi said...

Amy, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I know when you're in the middle of it it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Take it one day at a time. Let others love on and help you -childcare, meals. That's what the body is for! I will be praying that you feel better soon.
Love you
Kobi

Jeanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeanie said...

Amy,
I am so glad you had the guts to put this out there as I am sure there are many other women feeling the very same way. I know my patients have been low esp with newly hsing, house on the market, etc. Would love to get together sometime. Would also LOVE to have your boys or girls or all over with my kids for a playdate. Even if that means you going to the store alone for 3 hours or going home to nap or whatever. Please consider.

Candace said...

Amy....I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Pregnancy and hormones can sure complicate our lives, can't they?

One thing that really helps me is to be around people I love. Having friends over or going to a friend's house. Usually, it's the boost I need to get back on track!

So, let's do lunch!!!!! What day is good for you? It may help to ge out and chat with someone for a while!

I am praying for you, sweet friend! Love you!