(This was actually posted last Tuesday. When I woke up Wed. morning, I quickly deleted it. Now that the feelings are a little more removed, I have decided to re-post it. This blog journals God's work in my life, and I want to be able to rejoice with you when prayer is answered. I would also like you to join with me in these prayers. Most of you reading are precious friends whom I don't want to hide from. So, I am going ahead and being vulnerable with you so that God may be glorified through His work in my life.)
I should be in bed. Its 1am, I have a field trip to go on in the morning that I have done nothing to prepare for, and I know I will be up by 6am. My mind won't quit though. Chris has finally drifted off, lasting as long as he possibly could as I talked and talked. I attended a meeting with dear friends last night. It usually provides much needed refreshment and encouragement, but this time it rocked me to my core. I have never wanted to get out so badly. I felt caged. Never before have I been around people who cared so deeply. Usually this is a great reason to thank God, and I do feel extremely blessed to be a part of this community. That moment though, I was trapped. I am used to being able to hide and no one close enough to know something isn't right. These women would know something was up. I knew if I let all my emotions out, I would need to explain something I didn't have words for. I knew if I left the room, someone would follow. I knew all too well that my car was trapped behind others. There was no way out. So I sat, using all the energy I had to push back down the flood of emotion invading me. I can't explain the level of pain and grief that was coming up. There are obviously things I still have to deal with. I am VERY good at stuffing. In fact, today when I had time, I tried to think about what was going on. I am once again out of touch with myself. I can nonchalantly discuss any hard time with you without one bit of emotion. I can't feel any of it.I thank God for His goodness in giving me four healthy wonderful children. I thank him for a husband that is a good man and truly loves us. I thank God for our home and all of our provisions. I thank God for my family and friends who either challenge or are used to challenge me, who love us unconditionally. I thank God for moving us here and for the community of support and love that surrounds us now. Most of the time I feel optimistic and peaceful. Most of the time I can say I trust God. Last night, I was shaken.
In the meeting, we discussed past hurts. We shared how God has strengthened us through the hard times and allowed it to make us the person we are today. I have had many hurts and disappointments in my life. I have been let down again and again. I am realizing that I have let it cut deeper than I knew. So many have had worse. I am thankful that I have been spared a whole list of things, but I have been allowed many others. I am realizing that I don't know if I truly know how to forgive. I keep trying, but the anger returns. I didn't realize how very, very angry I am about so many different things and people, even God. I don't know if I have the faith I thought I did. When asked certain questions, I want to grab control again, not willing to give that area to God.
Father God, hold me. Draw me to your side as a parent scoops up a small child into their lap. Cover me and comfort me. Lord, break my anger and my selfish, inward thoughts. Forgive me for them, Lord Jesus. Forgive my unforgiveness and help me to truly forgive. Thank you for who you are, even when I don't like you. Thank you that you are unchanging when all around me shifts daily. Thank you for protecting me from disease, from pregnancy, from death, from so many other hurts. Thank you that you know and love me more than I know myself. I don't know all that is going on in me right now. I don't know all that I am feeling and all the reasons why, but you do. You were there even when I was being knit together in my mother's womb. Bless me, Lord. Allow me to have an understanding of how you are working in all of this. Bless me with thankfulness. Forgive me for wallowing, and help me to use what has happened to serve you. Show me what needs to be shown, and help me to let go of what I don't need to worry about. Help me to embrace and be thankful for the life which I have been given. I pray for discernment as I sort through thoughts and feelings, taking those thoughts captive which are not true and do not honor you. I pray for protection from fear. Fear is not from you, Lord. It is used by the enemy to cripple my walk with you. Give me a faith that can move mountains. I want to say, "Here I am Lord, send me." Grow my faith so that I will follow you anywhere. Lord, I pray that generational patterns would be broken for our children. I pray that they would grow up loving and following you, Lord. I pray for their future spouses, that they too are growing up in loving homes that teach your word and follow your ways. Mature Chris and I, and mature their spouses parents, that we all would reflect your love to these precious children. Break the bondage that keeps us from an uninhibited, intimate relationship with you. Give me the faith to truly love you, thank you for all things, and worship you with my life. Thank you that you give when I ask according to your will. So, I choose to have the faith that you will do these things. Thank you for your constant, unending, unchanging love for me and my family. Amen.