Several times, on this blog, I have journaled about my desire for more children. I have covered both biological birth and adoption. I haven't mentioned this in a while in an attempt to be content. I was realizing that I was becoming obsessed. I tend to get an idea and dive into it. I read. I research. Anyway, I was convicted that I was actually sinning. I was misusing my time. I was neglecting my children (ironically), to study on the computer. I was not involving my husband, who didn't want any more at the time, and so not submitting to his lead at all.
Chris does want a big family and also feels called to adoption. Several times, we have felt the go ahead to begin the process. Then, it feels like the brakes are applied. This area has been very confusing to us. We are at peace, though. God has definitely given us a heart to help children who do not have a family. We want to be available to whomever God sends. We are content to wait on Him and His timing.
Meanwhile, I was really getting the bug for another biological child. My fears were those shared by Chris. What if I die? I have had four c-sections and so do not have the same freedom that some women do. We have to determine how much my body can take. Chris has always been strongly against me getting pregnant again.
Since we moved, God has been teaching me a lot about submission to Him as well as to Chris. God gave me the grace to truly be content to follow Chris in this area. If I was to never be pregnant again, I was completely okay with that. I gave the desire for more babies up to God and determined to follow Chris's heart, knowing that he did not want any more biologically.
Well, God has changed Chris's heart!! This time, without any of my sinful manipulation that I have been so famous for in the past. We have decided to have another baby!!!! I was late this past month and thought I might be pregnant. I am thankful that I was not, because that would have happened without Chris's blessing. Now, we both really want a baby! So......hopefully God will bless us with a pregnancy and healthy baby soon!
I have joked with Chris, that this baby will need friends. It seems so lonely for our next to be almost 4 years from the next youngest. Our children right now are 8 1/2, 7 1/2, almost 5, and almost 3. Who knows. Maybe twins are in the cards. Or, maybe we will find ourselves adopting soon. Only God knows at this point. I am just excited to be His child and able to have the freedom and peace to follow Him!
I will keep you updated!